A definitive ranking of SAGE fries

Juniors Michael Carbonara and Jack Voss enjoy they’re favorite SAGE fried potato option, tater tots.

9. Steak
Analysis: Nothing more than an unseasoned potato wedge.
Grade: 57/100

8. Parmesan
Analysis: Worse brother of the ranch fry. If I wanted to have to lick the residue off my fingers, I would have just bought some Cheetos.
Grade: 79/100

7. Old Bay Seasoned
Analysis: A true revolutionary fry with an experimental seasoning that usually accompanies seafood.
Grade: 82/100

6. Shoestring
Analysis: Fun to eat but occasionally too flaccid and oily.
Grade: 85/100

5. Onion Rings
Analysis: Good and crisp, but an inconsistent ratio of onion-to-fried batter. A nice aromatic bite to give a break from fries.
Grade: 89/100

4. Waffle
Analysis: A flavorful fry with a nice, large shape. Perfect sauce vessel with its holes and ridges.
Grade: 90/100

3. Ranch
Analysis: Best fry texture and mouthfeel. An okay flavor that is far from ranch and is more of a salty seasoning with accents of herbs.
Grade: 92/100

2. Tater Tots
Analysis: Superb potato-to-fry ratio and always hot, but can sometimes become boring shoveling petite potato cylinders into your mouth at high speeds. We can do better.
Grade: 93/100

1. Curly
Analysis: A truly elite fry. Great color, fun to eat, and an amazing flavor that can only be enhanced by Henry’s secret sauce (two pumps barbeque, one pump honey mustard, ¾ pump of mayo) Grade: 99/100