Joining millions of fantasy football teams across the country, students and faculty at St. Pius X are well underway with their seasons. After drafting their teams at the end of the summer, some are riding high with undefeated records while others are looking worse than the Falcons. 

Fantasy football allows everyday couch potatoes to act as general managers, coaches, and owners of an NFL team as they go head-to-head each week against other teams in their league. 

While having star players on your roster is definitely helpful, the first step to league domination happens well before the first game of the season: picking a team name. Whether it’s a play on words or an inside joke, going with something clever or witty is always a safe bet.

For example, science teacher Mr. Mike Wentzler’s team name used to be “Down with Antonio Brown.”

Very clever.

 “I liked Antonio Brown before—that’s how old the name is. No one likes him now,” Mr. Wentzler stated about the infamous wide receiver, who now finds himself exiled from the league after erratic behavior and a long list of scandals ruined his once-promising career.

When Mr. Wentzler went to change his team name at the beginning of the season, he ran into a problem—he couldn’t remember his username and password. After a little help from students and lots of patience, he was successfully able to change it to “Patrick is Mahomie.”

Spanish teacher Mr. Michael Abbott channeled his inner Arya Stark with his name, “A Gurley Has No Name.” Other team names include senior Riley Brethauer’s “Sock of Butter,” senior Anna Galvin’s “Under His Eye,” and senior Marc Weick’s “Hot Chubb Time Machine,” named after Cleveland Browns running back Nick Chubb.

After adopting a brand new name, Mr. Wentzler was then ready to tackle the upcoming season with the same enthusiasm and passion that he has for teaching and coaching, right?

“I know nothing about it. I auto-drafted and am not really sure who’s on my team this year,” he said, highlighting the relaxed approach he’s taking to the season. 

He competes in a league with other St. Pius faculty members, including journalism teacher Ms. Ashley Curlette, the reigning champion  who’s hoping to repeat her success again this year.

“I’m not scared. My competition is a bunch of jabronis,” Ms. Curlette said, clutching the league trophy.

Theology teacher Mr. Andrew Pudysz, however, feels this is finally his year to capture a first place finish.

“I will beat her, I will smash her,” he said. “Her time is up. It’s my trophy now.”

While the faculty league plays mostly for bragging rights, other leagues have cash prizes for the winner and punishments for losers.

In Galvin’s family league, for example, she said that “the loser has to read all the books on the third grade Battle of the Books list.”

In Weick’s family league, “the winner gets a jersey of one of the players on their team, paid for by the other league members. The loser gets a leg waxed,” he said. Weick won last year, so his brothers had to buy him an Ezekiel Elliot jersey.

Mr. Abbott competes in a league with high school friends, and the prize is cash–lots of it.

“There are 12 of us, each putting a hundred bucks in the pot,” Mr. Abbott explained, “so if I have to I’ll go on my friends’ phones and trade with myself I will.” 

Hey, don’t judge him; fantasy football isn’t personal, it’s just business.

With money, clout, and bragging rights on the line, fantasy football transforms the sport from a game you watch at home on the weekends to a competition that pits coworkers, friends, and family against each other. Who needs the actual drama of the NFL when you can create the same excitement in your very own fantasy football league?