“We all knew comp cheer was a homewrecker”

After stepping away from the debate team, rumors swirl that Mr. Hiland is the new competition cheer coach


While no official announcement has been made yet, we think Mr. Hiland is a natural addition to the competition cheer program.

Nicole Gresham, Staff Writer

Last month, social studies teacher Mr. Sean Hiland announced his decision to resign from the position as head debate coach of St. Pius X Catholic High School. 

“I was absolutely shocked,” senior Witt Hollensbe said. “I couldn’t believe Shiland was leaving the debate team behind. Speech and Debate is like half of his personality. What’s next? Will Kanye stop rapping?” he questioned.

In the wake of the announcement, many rumors have circulated about his unexpected departure. 

“You know when I think about it, Mr. Hiland kept leaving practice early,” senior Austin Lalomia said. “During one of our practices, I got super hungry and left to go to the Roar Store for a snack. While I was walking back to practice, I saw Shiland walk out of Ms. Carney’s room. I was just downright confused.” Lalomia explained. 

“I also noticed how he was obsessed with the new Netflix show ‘Cheer,’” he continued. “He kept making references, and I could’ve sworn I saw him was watching it during breaks at our most recent debate tournament.”

Others also noticed weird occurrences. 

“You seriously can’t forget to mention the cheerleading bow on his desk,” Hollensbe said. “We thought Shiland’s daughter had taken up cheerleading, but she’s quite the basketball star.”

“We tried asking him about his new obsession, but he changed the topic every single time! It was so frustrating!” sophomore Ana Pitchanick exclaimed. 

The investigation of the debate team members escalated, and one member even questioned English teacher Ms. Morgan Carney. 

“Since Ms. Carney is also the head coach of tennis in addition to competition cheer, I decided to talk to her after tennis practice,” Lalomia said. “I asked her if she and Shiland were good buds, but she seemed so overwhelmed at the moment that I didn’t push my investigation.” 

The tennis team also noticed strange mannerisms in Ms. Carney. 

“She was so stressed after the comp cheer season that I decided to step in and help get tennis tryouts organized,” senior Margherita Ceccagnoli said. “Her stress level has certainly gone down, but I’ve never seen her like that. I know that competition cheer and tennis are a lot to handle along with teaching, but this season of comp cheer really pushed her over the edge.” 

And competition cheerleaders agreed.

“Ms. Carney was more stressed than ever this season,” senior Camile Jackson said. “She even told us after our last competition that she was considering stepping down. We thought it was a joke because she says this every year, but I think she’s serious this time. She was just too overwhelmed.”

Thus, the cheerleaders’ inquiries raised the question of Ms. Carney’s replacement as head coach of competition cheer. Who could possibly be qualified enough? 

After a thorough investigation from the debate team, members came to a crazy conclusion. Was Mr. Hiland being unfaithful to Speech and Debate?

“We all knew comp cheer was a homewrecker,” theology teacher and assistant debate coach Mr. Hicks explained. “How are debaters supposed to compete for Mr. Hiland’s attention when those girls can jump so darn high?”

“We’ve been hoping that if we learn some moves, he might give us the time of day,” junior Darryl Cooper said as he practiced acrobatic stunts with fellow debater sophomore Caitlin Nobel.

“Honestly, it’s been a rough time for my body, my mind and my spirit. I’m like seven feet tall, and unlike Sean Taylor, I’m not half jellyfish. I mean look at her, how is my leg supposed to bend like that?” junior Hugh O’Reilly questioned while dissecting the honed technique of the comp cheerleaders from the stands.

“Right now, our plan is that we can take some moves from the seminal cheer film ‘Bring It On’ and wreck the cheer team at competition cheer regionals,” Mr. Hicks explained. 

With coronavirus forestalling the debate team’s epic redemption narrative, it’s starting to look like Mr. Hicks plans to replace Mr. Hiland as the head debate coach, and Mr. Hiland will take over Ms. Carney’s position as head competition cheer coach. 

Stay tuned…