Don’t trust the birds!

A typical example of a bird

A typical example of a “bird”

Hunter Minne, Editor-in-Chief

Life in the 21st century is a confusing mess of misinformation and unsettling truths. Staying informed is becoming steadily more difficult as more and more information from unreliable sources floods the internet. Do not worry, I am here to tell you, as an incredibly reliable source, that you have been deceived your entire life!

I am about to tell an incredibly groundbreaking truth that some might consider to be shocking and upsetting, so if you are faint of heart, turn back now. What I am about to tell you will change your life forever, so this is your last chance to stop reading and continue leading your life in blissful ignorance. This is some real Men in Black, Jason Bourne, Truman Show type stuff. Alright, if you are still reading consider yourself warned.

Birds. Aren’t. Real. 


That’s right, that little cardinal sitting outside your window isn’t an innocent little bird, it’s a government spy! Also, I am not crazy! I promise.

How did I come by this revolutionary information you may ask? Doesn’t matter, let’s move on.

Big Brother has been using their ro-birds as surveillance tools ever since the end of the Vietnam War in 1950, when threat from the rising power in Germany and the need to control the expanding frontier finally convinced the government to eradicate all natural birds and replace them with their own. And as you can see from my extensive knowledge of history, I have definitely done my research and I definitely know what I’m talking about.

I sat down with one of these evil birds myself to see if it would reveal the truth of its nature, and it had some interesting thoughts.

“01110011 01110101 01110000,” the totally real bird said.

See! What more proof do you need, you charlatans!

If you are, as of yet, unconvinced, don’t worry I have even more proof that the government is totally using fake birds to spy on us. Have you ever seen a bird sitting on top of an electric line and wondered to yourself why they do that? It’s because that’s how the ro-birds charge! They perch innocently on top of power lines and charge up their nefarious methods of subterfuge, right in front of your eyes. How villainous.

I hope that after all of this concrete evidence and detailed analysis I have fully convinced you of this incredible truth that has been successfully concealed from the entire world, but not from one random high school student. So the next time you see a bird perched next to your window, remember: it’s not a real bird, it’s really a government spy, and tinfoil hats are actually very fashionable contrary to popular opinion.