*Editor’s Note: This article is a satirical April Fool’s piece and is not truthful or factual in any way.

The tryout process for any sport is a stressful time. Many athletes dread tryouts nearly as much as conditioning, but they understand the necessity of separating the strong from the weak. This year, St. Pius X managers are being held to the same standard, and they’re not exactly happy about it.

“It was horrible,” said senior and football manager Walker Alexander. “Think ‘Hunger Games’ meets ‘American Ninja Warrior’.

Senior Maggie Standard agreed.

“I was crying when we got to the relay race.” she said, holding back tears and petting her recently acquired emotional support ferret.

All sports managers, no matter if they wanted to manage football, basketball or baseball, tried out the week before school started. Thankfully, the tryouts were run by former AP World History teacher and the 2018 Teacher of the Year Mr. Gary Turner.

“He just rolled back and forth across the track in his chair,” said senior Sophie Ergle, a basketball manager. “I still don’t know why he was there.”

The process included a slew of tests including water bottle racing, memorizing statistics and a snack packing challenge.

“Water bottle racing wasn’t too bad,” Ergle said. “But it got a little tougher when we had to jump through the ring of fire and Mr. Turner started shooting Nerf guns at us.”

The potential managers were forced to sprint four miles with a gallon of water in each hand, climb a fourteen-foot wall and then drink all of the water in under five minutes.

“I’m not sure what that prepared us for,” said Ergle, shuddering from the memory. “But it still wasn’t the worst part.

After this grueling first test, the field was cut to just 30 prospective student-managers.

“They didn’t make us do that last year,” said senior lacrosse manager Olivia Koval, who was cut after failing to complete the first test. “I only wanted to be a manager so that I wouldn’t have to run.”

The next test involved memorizing two pages of statistics and then reciting them back to Mr. Turner in a limited time frame.

“Mr. Turner just rocked back and forth in the chair and didn’t say anything,” added senior lacrosse manager Abby Glennon. “I still don’t know if I did it right.”

As no one technically passed or failed this test, all 30 remaining contenders moved on. Whereas some were still very confused as to what was going on, others were feeling highly competitive.

“I would do anything for those khaki shorts,” said senior Lindsey Nelson, a rowing manager. “I don’t care about anything else. I hardly ate or slept the entire week because I was so focused on managing my heart out.”

The final test the wannabe managers endured was a food challenge, provided by SAGE Dining. Each contender was required to drink two cups of diet soda, two slices of pizza, a basket of curly fries and a basket of buffalo chicken strips. They each had one hour to complete the challenge.

“I can’t eat SAGE dining anymore,” said Nelson. “I’ll never look at it the same way again.”

Surprisingly, 20 of the 30 completed the challenge in the allotted time.

“Maybe next year,” said a dejected Koval.

After surviving “Heck Week” and officially “making the team”, each of the remaining contenders was presented with the coveted khaki shorts, stat book and medical kit by Mr. Turner on the last day of tryouts.

“I wouldn’t say he ‘presented’ anything. He just told us where the box of shorts was and rolled away,” said Nelson. “We never saw him again.”

Although the managers are now working hard in their respective sports, they aren’t looking forward to repeating the process this summer.

“I’m honestly afraid,” said Koval. “I’m confused and I’m afraid.”

Others felt emboldened by the process and appreciated the opportunity to experience competitiveness within the realm of managing.

“I’ve never felt more alive,” said Ergle.

Next year’s managing tryouts will take place in the last week of July. This year they will be run by former lunch lady and copy room master Mrs. Dorothy Fischer. Every prospective student is required to complete a physical and sign a waiver in order to participate.