Have you ever looked at a celebrity or a fictional character and thought about how they would fare on the gridiron? In honor of the 2022 NFL Draft that took place last week, I decided to (attempt to) draft the best football team out of non-football players, real or fictional. Here’s the team I put together.

Head Coach

Sandra Bullock: One of the most important traits of a head football coach is to be a motivator. They need to be the kind of person that their players would run through a wall for and be able to get the most out of them. Sandra Bullock is an easy choice to lead this team. Anyone who has seen “The Blind Side” knows why. If she can motivate everyone like she did to Michael Oher in the movie, there is no team that will play harder and faster than this one.

Quarterback

Batman: Given enough prep time, Batman is one of the most dangerous people alive. He has a plan for everything and can always come up with creative ways to get out of bad situations. He has also proven to be an accurate thrower with his various gadgets. If he can dissect defenses like he does crimes, nobody will be able to defend against him.

Running Back

Chris Rock: Running backs can pretty much always produce on the field if they have good blocking, but the best of the best are able to make plays when everything else goes wrong. Think of the top NFL running backs like Derrick Henry and Nick Chubb; what do they have in common? They can create positive yardage on their own after contact. As demonstrated at the 2022 Academy Awards, Chris Rock showed off his ability to take a hit and keep the show going, so he’d more than prepared to handle anything a defensive line can throw his way.

Wide Receivers

Usain Bolt: He’s 6’5 and the fastest man ever. Next.

Spider-Man: Spider-Man could be a huge threat in the passing attack. He’s quick, agile, and will never drop an accurately-thrown pass because of his sticky hands and tremendous leaping ability. He is a bit small, but he is very strong and he should have the ability to easily win on the outside.

Adin Ross: If you’ve ever heard the things this Twitch streamer has said, you wouldn’t want to be near him. Neither should opposing cornerbacks, leaving him wide open every play.

Tight End 

LeBron James: This is kind of cheating because LeBron James played football in high school, although he has not played since his junior year. LeBron plays with an intensity that isn’t found in many other athletes, so with good coaching I think he could be a good blocker. Also, he can palm a basketball so he should have good hands as well.

Offensive Line

Harambe: In the infamous Cincinnati Zoo incident of 2016, Harambe demonstrated elite level protection tendencies. He would be great in pass protection, and he would never let anyone get their hands on his QB.

Mark Henry: He has the size to be a good interior lineman and should be a punishing run blocker if his WWE skills translate to the gridiron.

Thor (“Avengers: Endgame” version): The strongest Avenger needs to be on the offensive line to set the tone. Thor would be a great lineman, particularly the version of him that was shown in “Avengers: Endgame,” where he has never been bigger.

Rick Ross: He has the size. I’m not sure what else, but we’ll make it work.

Zion Williamson: Zion is a very large individual. His frame is better suited for football than basketball, so he could probably be a good lineman.

Defensive Line

Will Smith: Will Smith should be a good talent coming off the edge, demonstrating good hand fighting ability at the Academy Awards.

Gunna: Anyone who watched the Los Angeles Chargers this past season knows that the main reason they missed the playoffs was their lackluster run defense. Now more than ever, you need guys who can two gap, guys who can eat up multiple blocks. Who better to do that than Gunna?

Danny DeVito: Because Gunna will be drawing a lot of the attention on the interior, pretty much anyone could take advantage of that. Seeing Danny DeVito play football would be funny, and that’s really the only reason he’s here.

Mike Tyson: He’s quick, he’s strong, and he will light you up. A plane passenger recently found this out the hard way. Nonetheless, these are traits you need to be a successful pass rusher. He also does yoga so he’s probably flexible, which is a very valuable skill that all of the best edge rushers right now have.

Linebackers 

Terry Crews (from “The Longest Yard”): This is also kind of cheating because he is a former linebacker, but despite being in his 50’s he still has the ideal frame for a linebacker. The version of him in “The Longest Yard” is also the most dangerous linebacker I have ever seen.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: He is always a leader and the hero in his movies, so he is perfect for the leadership responsibilities of a middle linebacker. He’s also jacked, of course.

Cornerbacks

Lola Bunny: Hot take–Lola was the best player in the Space Jam movies. Yes, even better than Michael Jordan and LeBron James. She has proven to be an elite athlete and she has all the tools to be a lockdown corner.

Adrian Wojnarowski: He is the senior NBA insider at ESPN. He tweets out breaking news with remarkable quickness and accuracy. His coverage ability is immaculate. Yes, he is in his 50’s and he isn’t exactly in athletic shape, but we could work some magic.

Safeties

John Cena: Everyone knows that you can’t see John Cena, and that includes opposing quarterbacks. Think about it. There could be a receiver streaking down the field seemingly wide open, but little does everyone know that John Cena is right on his tail. 

NBA Youngboy: This guy is a menace. His music brings out the dog in people, and he is the ideal choice to be on aux pre game. His energy could also be useful at the safety position. A ball carrier will have fear in their hearts as they see Youngboy crashing down the field.

Kicker/Punter

Cristiano Ronaldo: This one doesn’t really need an explanation. I guess you could put any soccer player here.