Dr. Lauer chosen for prestigious government research position


Katie O'Mara, Staff Writer

Science teacher Dr. Andrew Lauer has always been a man shrouded in mystery. Rumor has it that he discovered a cure for cancer and that he has an IQ of 200, almost 2x the average’s American’s IQ. For years, no one has been able to separate fact from fiction, but believe it or not, we now know the rumors are true. Dr. Lauer really is the most interesting man in the world.

Just this past fall, he was selected to participate in a government research program. While the details remain highly classified, the program does appear to be a research project with the highest levels of intelligence agencies in the country. We also know that he’ll soon be relocated to Washington D.C. to meet with other project participants before traveling somewhere across the globe to carry out his mission, whatever that may be.

When pressed for details, Dr. Lauer quickly waved me away and said, “I can’t say much.”  I did notice, however, that he nodded a suspicious amount of times when I asked about extraterrestrial life. 

Regardless of the subject matter, Dr. Lauer is looking forward to the project.

“It’s really something great, with a great collective of people. I can’t really say anything about it, though. I’m essentially sworn to secrecy,” he said as he was tinkering with some new chemical compounds in a beaker.

Whatever it is that Dr. Lauer will be doing, please congratulate him when you see him in the hallways.