Mr. Lancaster prepares for his debut on “The Bachelor”


Elliott Seng, Staff Writer

Who hasn’t heard of the 27-season, 286-episode TV show that is “The Bachelor”? 

Would it be a shock to hear that one of our very own St. Pius X administrators is one of the few selected nominees for season 28? 

It’s not who you think it is. Trust me.

“We wanted something different,” Senior Casting Producer Malissa Busconi said. “So we decided to bring in a group of people that we feel are traditionally underrepresented in the media… senior citizens.”

Yep, you heard that right. Every single bachelorette will be “gray-haired, balding, and half-blind” according to Busconi. And as for the Bachelor himself… none other than Mr. Mike Lancaster will do. 

“I didn’t know who these people were at first,” Mr. Lancaster said. “I don’t even know how I ended up here.”

When asked where he would take the 25 lovely candidates, Mr. Lancaster admitted he was a little stumped, although he had some tricks up his sleeve.

“Golf cart rides can be very romantic,” he said. “Works every time.” 

As for the contestants, rumors indicate headmistress Agatha Trunchbull may make a surprise appearance. With stunning looks, Agatha resembles “an eccentric and bloodthirsty follower of Beezlebub” and her personality is that of “a fierce tyrannical monster,” according to one of her students. Her favorite hobbies include bullfighting and long, romantic walks on the beach. She’s got her eyes set on Mr. Lancaster and is prepared to “throw down” with any woman who stands in her way.

In preparation for the role, Mr. Lancaster’s sticking to a strict dietary and exercise regimen. He plans to lift weights in Donnellan during zero period in order to hit new PRs in the gym before he has to deal with actual PR (public relations) for “The Bachelor.”

The season will take place at Sunny Acres Retirement Home in Florida. During eliminations, the selected ladies will receive bingo cards instead of roses, while the unlucky suitor goes home with a pair of dentures and a Jello cup. 

“I wasn’t sure if I was going to say yes. But since it’s over the summer, I figured, why not?” Mr. Lancaster said. “Hopefully, my wife won’t mind.”