Back by popular demand from the student body, the St. Pius X administration has finally incorporated nuns back into the staff.

For years, the St. Pius community has felt like something was missing from the staff: the strictness and discipline originally implemented in classrooms by nuns. Students long for the days when many of their parents received lifelong trauma and borderline abuse. Thankfully, many teachers and other faculty members have now joined the nunnery in order to revitalize the school’s harsh and severe reputation.

“I think it’s great that the school is finally bringing back nuns to the staff. The school has been sweeping a lot of misconduct under the rug lately and I think that the nuns will really whip us back into shape,” said junior Witt Hollensbe.

As many people have suspected, the entire lunch lady staff are ordained nuns. According to an anonymous source, the lunch ladies are actually recruited straight from a convent.

“Ms. Braham drove down to the Conyers Convent and tried to take back a few of their coldest, harshest nuns back with her,” claimed the anonymous source, who may or may not be President Mr. Chad Barwick.

The leader of the pack is—you guessed it—Coach Mike Lancaster.

“Coach Lancaster does an excellent job embodying the high standards that the nuns hold themselves to. A coach, a substitute and now part of the cafeteria staff, he really can do it all,” said junior Anna Buyarski, clearly impressed by his borderline obscene plethora of talents.

Other notable members of the staff that have joined the nunnery include well-known computer hacker and teacher Mrs. Elizabeth Schupp, math teacher Mr. Don Sherwood and substitute science teacher Ms. Martha Rummel. These teachers have played a key role in making sure that each student works hard and holds themselves to a high, nun-like standard.

“I feel like I’ve become a better person by having them around,” said junior Aggie Brewster. “Finally I have some real role models to look up to.”

Hopefully in the future, St. Pius will be able to have every member of its faculty and staff come straight out of the convent. For now, we will just have to settle with what we have.