Teacher conspiracy theories: The truth has finally surfaced

Ms. Mary Martha Spear warms up before the PBA Tour of Champions last month. She’s currently ranked #2 in the United States.

On the outside, the faculty and staff of St. Pius may seem like your ordinary bachelor degree coffee drinking teachers, but they are way more. Many try to keep their complicated and tragic backstories as well as secret side jobs hidden from students, but they can’t lie to us any longer. Henry Guynn, the school’s top investigative journalist, is here to hold the powerful accountable.

In English teacher and basketball coach Will Cloyd’s first year teaching at Pius, rumors have started to surface. Many believe that he is not what he says he is. While Mr. Cloyd claims to be just another “six-foot-seven typical dude,” an on-campus social movement has raised many questions about his past, suspecting that there is a larger conspiracy at play.

“The members of the Teacher Truther society and I know the truth. He’s actually just two dogs in a trench coat. No man is that tall. Open a book,” said freshman and blossoming cult leader Owen McCurdy.

One of McCurdy’s first disciples, junior Marc Weick, swears by their doctrine, even though many students “might find it outlandish.”

“I always thought there was something off, and it was just something in movies. I do not know how this slipped by in his hiring process,” Weick added.

The political organization has recently claimed in their manifesto, Dianetics, that “there is more to the teachers than what you see on the surface.”

These findings have been corroborated down the hall with English teacher Mary Martha Spear. Ms. Spear may seem like your ordinary teacher, but she is far from that. Each year she dominates the World Bowling Championships in Las Vegas, Nevada. With spin control and a houndstooth ball, rolling a 300 is light work for her.

“When I saw her bowling bag under her desk, I didn’t know what to think, but now I see the light,” said senior Feruz Mussie. “Do you think it is just a coincidence that her last name is an anagram for spare?”

This is truly…striking…to hear.

On the sweeter side of things, we’ve actually discovered that math teacher Deborah Skene and her husband Gerald D. Skene fell in love over their common interest in bundt cakes. As the founder and owner of Nothing Bundt Cakes, she sells all sorts of cakes.

No matter if it is small, medium, large, or extra large, all cost the same at $144.99, non-negotiable.

“She will not budge on the price and gets extremely irritated when people try to bargain,” revealed Junior Caroline Hollensbe. “Mrs. Skene even left her old school in Colorado because people tried to bargain on prices.”

Gerald D, her husband, burns the midnight oil making the perfect glaze, however, Mrs. Skene is never satisfied. He painstakingly has tried to perfect his glazes while she stays up very late preparing her bundts.

“I love the heavenly taste of everything that comes from her bundtery,” junior Mari Hutchinson revealed, still chewing a mouthful of delicious lemon bundt cake.

After enjoying some of these delicious bundts, many students burn off the calories in their weight training classes or before school with strength coach Ryan Liccardo.

Speaking of Coach Liccardo, some questions have surfaced surrounding him and who he claims to be. Has anyone seen Coach Liccardo and English teacher Trey Broussard in the same room together? Why do they not teach any periods at the same time?

Open your eyes, people of St. Pius, they are the same person. After the vacancy left by Neal Peduzzi, none other than our beloved Armenian stepped up to the plate.

Senior Will Briones stated, “It is too obvious. The bushy beard, olive complexion. I have known for months.”

During homecoming week, “they” dressed up as each other, which was obviously just another ruse to confuse the community. Many believed it was just Mr. Broussard and his twin brother Troy.

When asked about the subject, Broussard pleaded the fifth and folded into his beard. A truly hairy situation happening in room 210.

In other breaking news, esteemed English teacher and outspoken vegan Jan Collier has started a new farm-to-table local butchery on Buford Highway.

Jan’s Exotic Meats is freshly off the FDA banned list, serving up hot sandwiches, meat salad, and her infamous ostrich jerky.

“Me is really excited about this new chapter in my life. In this new chapter in my life, I hope to fulfill my lifelong dream of butchering and barbequing. Butchering and barbequing are almost as important to me as using passive voice,” stated Mrs. Collier.

Whether being two dogs, rolling strikes or owning a restaurant on the side, there is more to your beloved teachers than what meets the eye.