Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

This week you will be faced with temptations to break your Lenten promise. You must say no. Resist.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

Seven people will ask you to prom soon. They are all either freshmen or 35 years old, so you can’t go with any of them.

Aries: March 21 – April 19

A foreseeable mediocre chili dog at a Little League Baseball game is in your near future.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

You will see your ability to Hit Them Folks! increase to godly levels in the next few days.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

They’re going to realize your totally fake “gluten allergy” is actually you just being weird about dieting unless you fake your own death and flee to Vietnam.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

Did you know that if you say rise up lights really fast over and over, it starts to sound like you’re saying razor blades with an Australian accent?

Leo: July 23 – August 22

At some point in your life, you will either attend or be involved with a WWE Smackdown Women’s Championship on a Thursday in September with your two kids.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

What did I tell you? Stop wearing crop tops out in public. You’re embarrassing your father and me, Karen.

Libra: September 23 – October 22

As a medial air sign, you will be affected by the liminal cadent moon’s descent into a solar retrograde transit so watch the horary romance section of your star chart and avoid fast food.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

We’re calling it now; a teacher will check your skirt length and send you to the detention pit unless you pull it together.

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

You will be faced with challenges from other worlds, but you will prevail as the food from Sage has turned you into a demigod.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

Someone will come at you for having a freshman-sized backpack and it won’t be pretty.